We’ve set ourselves free!  Instead of going to libraries or buying books we don’t want to read, we’re reading what holds our interest.  Then at our monthly book club meeting, we’re sharing what we’ve read and telling the group what we liked and did not like.  Many of us bring our favorites with us so we can loan them to each other.  Since we’ve been doing this the size of our book club has grown and we have more to say so we’re staying longer.

My third book titled “”Everything Happens For A Reason: based on true, inspirational stories” is a good choice for book clubs because it contains ten stories about heroes who have made the world better for all of us.  If you want a free copy, please contact me via e-mail and I will send you one.

Deborah invites you to join her for a free, uplifting talk titled

“How To Do Your Best With What You Have”.

When & Where:

• September 26 at 2PM at 325 Belvedere Blvd in The Villages 

• September 27 at 2PM   7375 Powel Rd. in Wildwood, FL

She will share:

• Ways to improve your memory

• Why grandparents and grandchildren form tight bonds

• The one and only thing we all control

• The worst four letter word

Her books are now available on Amazon, from this web site and at All Booked Up.

On May 24, 2022, a gunman killed nineteen kids and two teachers and wounded seventeen others at Robb Elementary School in Uvalda, TX.  His violent act left parents and children across America feeling scared.  Fortunately, parents are still the greatest influence in their children’s lives.  Consequently, how we as parents handle this trajedy will impact our kids.  We should not deny or magnify the incident.  Good parents answer the questions their children ask as honestly as possible.  If a child asks if something like this is going to happen at their school, the parent should tell him/her that it is highly unlikely because there are thousands of schools in America that are safe places for children to attend. 

 Also, parents should not allow themselves to be consummed by what happened in Texas.  They need to make their lives as normal as possible, expecially when they are with their kids.  Instead of reliving the horrible happening by repeatedly tuning into the TV, they need to try to protect their children from the psychological consequences by treating it as one incident.  Because they are the greatest influence in their kids lives, their children are paying close attention to them.  How the parents are reacting to the trajedy is teaching their offspring how they should feel about it.

An hour spent together, as a family, is the most important hour in the day.  Psychologically speaking, it matters not if the food comes from a fast food chain, door dash or Mom’s loving hands.  What matters is every member of the family is engaged in the conversation.  Good questions to ask are:  What was the best thing that happened in your life today and what was the worst?  Doing this on a daily basis gives everyone an opportunity to express their feelings and keeps the lines of communication open.

Home is where my heartache began.  I found lots of ways to run away from my emotional pain, but as I look back on it, I know it was always there.  It was hard to ignore when, out of obligation, I chose a Hallmark card for my abusive father.  I hated reading the nice things the cards said about dads.  I wanted a card that just said “Happy Whatever” or one that said “May you have the kind of day you so richly deserve”. I chose the card that expressed the least amount of sentiment, bought it and felt relieved that the ordeal was over for a while.  

I overlooked other signs of living in a dysfunctional family.  They included always playing at friends’ houses, leaving home asap and choosing friends who had a sense of humor.  The laughter we shared gave me respite from my emotional pain.  The pay off we get from growing up in an alcoholic or another type of dysfunctional family is a sense of humor.  No one could withstand the pain without one.

In addition to laughing and smiling to hide my true feelings, I played lots of tennis.  For me, it was a medication better than chocolate, alcohol or drugs.  It kept my emotions at bay until I was thirty-seven and my younger son was in junior high school.    Then I started to receive weekly phone calls from the school’s vice principal.  In his first call he said, “Mrs. Poor, this is Mr. Norton.”  A few weeks later he called and said, “Deb, this is Scott”.  

Jason’s acting out behaviors did not go away.  I wrote a letter to my high school French teacher.  Back then, we called her an old maid.  She devoted her life to her students and after graduation, many of us still kept in touch with her.  My letter was long.  In it, I poured out my heart.  She answered it with one sentence.  It read, “So, Jason is like his mother”.

For years, her response bothered me.  I felt guilty.  I blamed myself.  My childhood had left me with a type of insurance that only codependents can get.  It’s called My Fault Insurance.  We readily take on the responsibility and blame for everything that goes wrong.

Lucky for me, I found good self help books, good therapists and a wonderful support group.  All of them helped me to stop taking responsibility for things I had no control over.  My new approach helped me to lighten up.  I even laughed at what my French teacher wrote.  And when someone asked me if I’d have children if I had my life to live over, I said, “Yes, but not the same ones.”

With my background, I was a shoe in for becoming a therapist.  My social work course of study  taught me to be warm, empathetic, genuinely concerned and to ask open ended questions, ones that could not be answered with a yes or no.  Doing these things help clients find solutions to their problems.  Most of the time, I stick to these basics because they work.  However, I have one exception.  When a client tells me that they are closely associated with someone who drinks a lot, but they know he or she is not an alcoholic because  this person does not drink every day, I explain alcoholism.  Waiting for an alcoholic to drink daily before doing anything that might help them is like waiting for your house to burn down to its foundation before calling the fire department.  Doing either of these things begs the question: What’s left to save? E-mail me to learn  how interventions work.

About Me:

I have worked as a psychotherapist for more than thirty years.  During that time, I have learned that too many people suffer in silence for too long.  Something has been bothering them for a long time and they can’t think of anything that will make it better.  For this reason, I offer FREE e-mail consultations.  E-mail me and I’ll do my best to give you the information you need.